Grief and the Searching Phenomenon

Came across this the other day, and it struck me as something that would make for good dramatization.

A lot of research has been conducted on the grieving process. Most of it in the context of losing a person who is dear to us, but don't forget that we (and our characters) "grieve" other losses as well--pets, jobs, our youth, cherished dreams...

So, what's this Searching Phenomenon?

Bowlby (1961) was one of the early researchers in the field of Death and Dying, and he described the "urge to recover the lost object."

This desperate need to recover what was lost takes many forms, and as fiction writers these are helpful to explore, as they are methods of "showing" grief--as opposed to merely "telling."

In her book, Grief, Dying and Death, Therese Rando outlines some of the ways the searching phenomenon plays out:

1) Physical Restlessness.  It may be difficult for the griever to sit still. She may try to sit, but pop back up quickly, moving from place to place or room to room. While it may appear "aimless," there is an aim--she is "searching" for the one she will never find again. She may physically reach out and touch things, exploring her environment, looking for what is no longer there.

2) A draw towards objects and places.  "Searching" can cause the griever to gravitate towards environmental reminders of the deceased. If you (or your characters) associate a certain room, or a city park, a particular chair or a cherished object (a piece of jewelry, a football, a doll, etc) with the lost one, you will find yourself drawn towards that, "looking" for the person. We recently discussed scents in a series of posts. Clothing, especially clothing that still retains the scent of the departed, can be a powerful emotional magnet. In a heartbreaking sense, the griever is "searching" the empty clothes for the lost one who "should" be inside them, while gaining some sense of comfort from "finding" their scent.

3) The griever may experience the illusion of "seeing" the lost one. For instance, in a crowd, someone with their back turned may spark a reaction.... "It's her!"

4) Impulses to speak to, or do things for, the departed, as if they were still alive.  Examples include picking up the phone intending to call the loved one, or thinking "It's time for John's five o'clock medicine."

5) Calling.  The griever may cry out to the lost one, either vocally or silently. Wanting desperately for them to answer. Think about the way a parent might call out anxiously to a child who had wandered away...Calling a person's name is an instinctual part of searching.

Rondo describes this searching process as a necessary part of the grieving: "It is only by the repeated frustration of these intense longings for the deceased that the finality of death is made real."

Grief is a process of searching, not finding, feeling the emptiness of that failure....and repeating.

Important concepts to keep in mind when your fiction takes you into territories of loss.

references: Bowlby, J., Processes of mourning. International Journal of Psycho-Analysis. 1961, 42, 317-340

Grief, Dying, and Death: Clinical Interventions of Caregivers; Therese Rando, Research Press Company, Champaign, IL 1984.